Thursday, December 29, 2011

The News You Hear as Background Noise as You Get on With Your Real Life

Here are the Top Ten GENERIC News Stories for 2011. Although this is a repost from 2010, for some reason, it continues to work.


1) A drunk (and/or high) celebrity had a meltdown, this year, outside his home (in a nightclub, on an airplane). Onlookers were shocked (not at all surprised) to hear the beloved movie star (TV actor, reality show contestant, presidential candidate), screaming curses and tossing racial slurs (shoes, angry birds) at his wife (girl friend, a male prostitute). Spokesperson for the celebrity said that the cause of the incident stemmed from a dosage problems the star was having with his medication. The celebrity has since checked into a rehab center and is in the processes of a complete lifestyle overhaul.

2) A Washington think-tank estimated that countless hours of productivity were lost this year, as millions tuned in to observe the sporting event (trial, political demonstrations, presidential debate) of the century. Many watched at their offices but even more merely stayed home from work, as the playoffs (jury selection, police response) dragged on for weeks. The victory (verdict, presidential primary, coup d’etat) turned out to be unprecedented. Cities experienced rioting for months afterwards.

3) The country was riveted as a boy (miners, dog, squirrel) was successfully rescued from a well (frozen lake, mineshaft, hot air balloon). Rescuers toiled with shovels (ropes, skyhooks, miniature surgical equipment) around the clock, as time was quickly running out. Everyone cheered as the boy (miners, small animal) was pulled up (lowered down) to safety. He (she, they, it) thanked God for being rescued.

4) A terrible natural disaster in Japan, (the Philippines, Haiti, New Orleans) forced emergency response teams to rethink their disaster preparedness plans. This well-meaning concern quickly passes though, as the 24 hour news cycle redirected our attention to the newest movie (presidential primary, celebrity meltdown, shiny object).

5) As the war in Afghanistan (Iraqi, Vietnam, Korea) drags on, president Obama (Nixon, Kennedy) vowed to bring all the troops home in about 18 months. Critics of the President complained that announcing a time tables for withdrawal merely emboldens our enemies, while supporters of the President complained that the withdrawal is not soon enough.

6) Scientist announce a breakthrough in genetics (nanotechnology, super conductors) giving us new insights into how the universe (magnets) work. Although scientists caution that any practical application of this technology is still months (years, decades) away, news media reports this new technology could eventually lead to a cancer cure (free energy, invisibility cloak).

7) The economy was one of the top stories of the year, as the recession (recovery) was slower (faster) than expected. As Liberals called for more spending in new industries, Conservatives called for lower taxes and increased military spending, as the only way to speed the recovery (slow the overheated economy, compete in a new global economy, fight worldwide tooth decay).

8) Something horrible happened in the Middle East. Many people died.

9) The nation split down party lines as newest controversy involving immigration (gay rights, daylight savings time). Conservatives balked at the new ideas, which they consider to be blatantly anti- family (anti-Christian, anti-free market, anti-hunting,). Liberals failed to clearly present their side of the issue, choosing instead to label conservatives as reactionaries. Both sides failed to realize that ten years from now. everyone will whole hardily accept the new idea as one of the key foundations of American values.

10) We killed Osama Bin Laden. Wow, that one really was unexpected!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

A Hitchslap to Bill Bennett in Honor of Christopher Hitchens

While accidently watching the CBS Early Show this morning (because God knows I would never watch crap like that intentionally) conservative commentator, Bill Bennett, had this to say about the death of Christopher Hitchens “I hope, as the big Atheist he was, he is in for a big surprise.” Here is where I have a problem with some supposed “Christians” like Bennett. People like that might be able to produce a thought on occasion but their brains are incapable of following through on those thought. They are too unimaginative to realize that thoughts, if true, lead to conclusions and those conclusions should lead to consequences. Let me continue Bennett’s thought for him, since he seems too dim witted to do so himself. I hope as the Atheist that Hitchens was, that he is in for a big surprise… and that there is a god, because wouldn’t it be great if Hitchens (of whom just seconds before I said I enjoyed drinking and debating with) wouldn’t it be great if he burns in hell for all eternity.

This comment and its unspoken conclusion is followed by the host of the Early Show, Erica Hill, laughing out loud. Because, I guess, there is nothing like a man dying of cancer, to give a girl the giggles.

Here is what I think a good Christian should have said. “I hope I’m wrong. I hope there is no hell for people who don’t believe in God. Because, to imagine a man such as Hitchens, with such a keen mind, suffering for all eternity just because he had strong convictions would pain me, to no end. And I would oppose with all my strength, the hateful and uncaring being that might allow such a place to exist.” That’s the kind of quote I would expect from a real Christian. Bill Bennett you’re an ass. So consider this my Hitchslap in honor of Chritopher Hitchens. He will be missed.