Thursday, February 25, 2010

2012

Here is something that won’t surprise you. Sometimes I get tired of the stupid. So I’m having a good time in Mexico, when I come upon the disturbing reminder that almost half the people in the world have a below average IQ. This disturbing reminder was in the gift shops, in the national parks and on the T-shirts and its number is “2012.” I saw it in the books made for tourists with titles like “the idiots guide to 2012.” I saw it in the eyes of the poor Mexican tour guide as we stood at the base of the great Mayan lighthouse in Tulum. He patiently tried to explain for the thousandth time how the calendar worked. “No, there was no significance to the end of the cycle. The Mayan calendar just turns over and starts again, like the odometer on a car. No, the Mayans did not write any prophesies of disaster. In fact, Mayan writing refers to dates after their calendar turns over. No, you can’t stand on top of the lighthouse to have your picture taken. You’ll break your neck.” (Ok, I admit it, that last question was asked by me.)

Let me repeat that middle statement. The Mayan writing refers to dates after their calendar turns over. It’s as if you wrote appointments in your own calendar to meet friends for lunch in January of 20013 or 2014. Is that what someone does if they think the world will end in 2012? On top of all this is the sad fact that the Mayan’s couldn’t even predict the collapse of their own civilization, let alone the destruction of the entire world.

It’s just a calendar. I have some bad news for the 2012 believers. I know of a calendar that says the world will end December 31 of THIS YEAR! It’s sitting on my desk and has some cartoons of Dilbert in it. Oh pointy haired boss, when will you learn not to micromanage?

So, standing on some lower rocks waiting for my wife to snap a picture I started thinking, how can I make money from all this stupid? I’m proud to say, I’ve come up with an answer. Granted it is still in its rough stages, but let me know what you think.

For anyone who really believes that the world will end on December 12, 2012, here is a simple wager. Fifty bucks says you’re wrong. The obvious problem with a wager is that if I am wrong there is no way for 2012 believers to collect their winnings, but here is where the genius shines. I have come up with a solution. If I am wrong and the world is destroyed in 2012 I will mow you’re lawn in heaven for an epoch.

Come on, if these guys believe in 2012 they surely must also believe in heaven, right? The bible says if you go to heaven you get a mansion and you know what that means -- a lot of yard work. And I’m the guy to do it for you.

I’m serious. Send me $50. I’ll set up a special trustee bank account that I can not access until after 2012. You can send the money directly to that account. In return, I will send you a handsome certificate (suitable for framing) signed by me that states that in the event of a 2012 apocalypse, I promise to mow your lawn in heaven, (no matter what the lot size) twice a week for an entire epoch. How long is an epoch? Honestly, I don’t know but I think it’s larger than an age and smaller than a period. Come on, for fifty bucks? That’s a great deal! it's like 3 billion mowings. What the hell, I’ll even edge, (but you have to provide the mower.)

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