“Today I Quit Being a Christian” By Jesus Christ

This just in: Today, on his Twitter page, Jesus Christ, philosopher and rumored “Son of God” announced “I quit being a Christian. I’m out. ”
Twitter followers were stunned. “I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-science, anti-movies, anti-Halloween, anti-Harry Potter, anti-Teletubbies, anti-science fiction conventions, anti-Indian food, anti-Large Hadron Collider, anti-big words, anti-yoga, anti-Karma Sutra (pages 17 thru 49), anti-news that isn’t Fox, anti-history books, anti-Wikipedia, anti-trees, and especially anti-Will and Grace. I mean come on, who didn’t like Will and Grace. Jack was so funny. Am I right?”
“I just, in good conscience, can no longer associate myself with this quarrelsome, hostile (and frankly way to needy) group. They all just need to get a life, always asking me for stuff. “Can you give me the lottery numbers? Will you rig the football games so my team will win? Can you smite the entire population of that country, over there, so I can continue to drive my SUV?” It’s tiresome.

How do your friends feel about this decision?
I suppose have a lot of Christian friends.  I never really thought about it.  They’re going to be disappointed. I understand that, but let’s face it. A lot of them had it coming. I don’t mind sitting there listening to them talking about their kids or their crumby job, but when they start talking about burning Korans and blabbering about the Tea Party and how great Glen Beck is, I just turn off. And when I started seeing the “Palin/Coulter 2012” bumper sticker, frankly, I thought my head was going to explode.


What do you say to your fans?
I know this might come as a shock to some, but those people who have been following me on Facebook, probably knew this was coming for a while, ever since my break with the Catholic Church in 05. In the old days it was cool being Roman Catholic. It was like a private party. There was ritual, the churches were all glittery, John Paul was lovable. You just wanted to squeeze him, but when Ratzinger took over, it just stopped being fun.

How will this affect your books?
If you’re asking me if I think this will affect sales, I doubt it. Face it. People are looking for a certain type of thing when they buy my books. That market has always been there and will always be there. That’s not going to change. Besides, that whole thing kind of runs itself now. I really don’t get involved with that part of my business. To be really honest here, I wasn’t even very involved with the first book. It was a fluke. Who knew it would take off like that? Now there are movies and games. It’s a whole industry. I can live a good life on the royalties from the action figures alone.

What is your opinion on the state of Christian literature today?
Being responsible for a few bestsellers myself, I find it harder and harder to get behind the Christian literature coming out these days. Frank E. Peretti’s stuff is sooo “preachy,” and Tim LaHaye’s, Left Behind series? It’s like reading The Road Warrior. I’m sure Mel Gibson would love to star in the next movie.

What do you think about Ann Rice’s books?
I liked the vampire books. But I have a real problem with Rice’s recent stuff. The problem is that they claim to be based on exhaustive research by the author, but really it is nothing more than pure fiction. Don’t get me wrong, fiction is my middle name, but let’s call a spade a spade, here.

If your no longer a Christian, is there one denomination that you do like?
Frankly, I don’t have much use for any of ‘em. I would prefer to walk away from the argument, from the confusion. I’m not leaving just the Christians. I want to leave the entire fray, the entire quarrel - the entire public face of religion. I guess you could call me a reverse-theist or maybe call it anti-beleifism. How about an athei-theologionism? There probably is a better term for what I have become but god knows what it is.

What’s next for JC?
I think I need to be more comfortable with myself before I can go worrying about the whole world, you know what I’m saying? Take some “me time.” Maybe, I’ll do some traveling, head out East. I know some people out there who said they would put me up for a few nights.

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